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Alternative History

 
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kmt_sesh
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 4:32 am    Post subject: Alternative History Reply with quote

Having carefully studied Egypt for so long, and having used countless websites for my basis of research, I am now prepared to present a brief synopsis of how ancient Egypt actually came to be.

It is generally believed by historical revisionists that a great "lost" civilization originated in Egypt 10,000 years ago. Of course this is more or less true, never mind that there is no evidence whatsoever to substantiate this claim. And who were these ancient forebearers of the Egyptians? Why, the Atlantians, of course. Others will say aliens, but there is an easy and obvious solution: the Atlantians were aliens.

You see, they had come to Earth from their dying planet and had built their great civilization on a now submerged continent 20,000 years ago, but were careless with their incredibly advanced technology. The Mediterranean Sea was once one massive land mass, and here is where the Atlantians lived. Ancient tablets written in a strange tongue and found with the fossilized remains of voluptuous mermaids (prostitutes of Atlantian temples) have now been decoded by linguists of the famed Podunkski University of Albania, and we now know what happened to Disney Land. It seems a royal functionary was sent to the royal computer to begin the completely automated agricultural process of the royal fields for the Atlantian growing season. The myopic royal servant meant to push the button marked "Till the Kingdom" but accidentally pushed the self-destruct button "Kill the Kingdom," and the entire kingdom quickly sank. Thence the Mediterranean Sea was formed.

The survivors struggled ashore to the south and east, in what we now call the Delta of Egypt. This was approximately 12000 years ago, and within 2000 years they had erected numerous magnificant monuments. One of these was of their supreme ruler, Osirintis, who had steadfastly refused to evolve into the human form more familiar to us but had kept his feline form with a man-like head. Today we call this the Sphinx. So you see, the Atlantians, when first arriving on Earth some 20,000 years ago, resembled lions with men's heads, but they were entirely hairless. Much later, Egyptians continued to honor their ancestors in this fashion by shaving all of the hair from their bodies.

Anyway, on the same lush and fertile plateau they erected three huge grain silos to store their yearly harvest. Having learned from past mistakes, their automated agricultural computer no longer had a "Kill the Kingdom" button. The architect of the massive grain silos was a genius Atlantian named Imhontis, who was starting up a new religion and preferred to be called Joseph. So great was this man that when he died, they cleaned out the biggest silo and used it for his tomb. Egyptians living much later did not know of his name and decided to call him Khufu, which is actually a very ancient Atlantian name that means "One who stinks up the grains."

Eventually the Atlantians changed the name of their nation to Kemet. Egyptologists translate this as the "Black Land," but in ancient Atlantian it means "Damn this place is hot." The word Deshret, whence we modern folks derive our term "desert," in ancient Atlantian means "Why didn't we swim north instead of south--pass the sunblock," or something like that. It's hard to translate.

A distant descendant of Imhontis/Joseph/Khufu was none other than Akhenaten. By now Egypt had taken on the customs with which we are all familiar, but Akhenaten had read about his long-ago ancestor during weekend trips to the local library, and took a liking to the religion Joseph favored. So Akhenaten resurrested the religion, called it Atenism, and changed his name to Moses. He freed all of the slaves of Egypt and ran away to the north, where his religion could prosper. His son Tutankhaten/Tutankhamun was left behind in Egypt to clean up the mess.

So there you have it, a brief history of how Egypt actually came to be. I'm writing a new book that will contain the full version, and am calling it Gift of Disney Land: Thanks to the Nitwit Who Pressed the Wrong Button at the Right Time. I expect all of you to purchase a copy as soon as it is published, but for some reason I'm having a hard time finding a publisher to print it.

Signed copies will be an additional $15 a piece.
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isisinacrisis
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 10:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing

Cute. I wrote a short alternative version of how Egypt came to be on an old thread here. I could post it here if you like.

However this thread would have been even better if it was posted on April Fools Day. Wink
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kmt_sesh
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 11:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
However this thread would have been even better if it was posted on April Fools Day.


What, are you implying there's something erroneous about my version of Egyptian history? Confused

I was in a weird mood last night when I wrote it. I was looking through the Pyramidiot folder in which I keep my collection of wacko websites and thought, why not? So it was kind of a mini-Pyramidiot version containing numerous nut-job theories. I had fun writing it.

Go ahead, find your old story and post it here, isisinacrisis. Let's all join in and poke fun at the Pyramidiots.

The scary thing is, were I actually to write a book like the one I mentioned, it would probably launch to the top of the best-seller list and be enthusiastically embraced as fact by the Pyramidiots of the world.
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